jesslocklear

Well, as per my last post, I did get sick and sidelined. Then my birthday rolled around and I swear EVERYBODY wanted to take me out to eat, and so I’ve gained a few pounds back. I know, it’s a small set back, and I just need to keep going, but I’m so discouraged!

Today is 5 months to the day since our son was born prematurely and passed away, and Mon. would have been my original due date. We had tried for 2.5yrs to get pregnant, and once we finally did, 2 weeks after we found out, my 46 yr old mom was diagnosed with terminal bone cancer and given a year to live. It was such a shock, but I came to terms with it knowing at least my mom would have the chance to be a grandmother before she’s gone - then my son died.

Now, it’s 5 months later and my cycles are still all over the place. My Dr. says I’m borderline diabetic, and I don’t ovulate regularly - it was a fluke I got pregnant before. A large part of that, she thinks is due to my weight, and as far as trying regulate my hormones, again it’ll be hard to at my current weight. So, it’s so simple! I just need to get the weight off! Well, silly me, why did I not think of that?

I’ve tried, time and time again. I know how to eat healthy, I know how to work out, and I can get along at a really good clip, lose 20-30 max., and then I STOP! It ends there, and no matter what I do, or how I adjust, that’s where I’ll hold. I’m 300 POUNDS!!! 30 lbs is NOT what I need, I need to get off AT LEAST 100, more like 125 or 130.

So for months, I’ll stay in my holding pattern at 30 lbs. down, and then I get tired of fighting for nothing, and my weight will creep back up. So now, I’m being told if I ever want to be a mother, I need to lose weight. OK, how? Does anybody out there REALLY know how? Anybody that isn’t going to charge me my life’s savings to impart their wisdom on the subject? Come on now, don’t be shy!

Then of course insurance won’t pay for me to go to a dietician, or bariatric surgery or any of that UNTIL I develop diabetes or a thyroid problem. Even though my grandparents both had diabetes and both died of diabetes related complications. Then they (who were 1st cousins by the way, and every one of their siblings had diabetes) had my mom, who had diabetes and thyroid problems, and ended up having a gastric bypass that cured everything for her and got her healthy. This is my legacy, where I’m surely headed unless I can get the weight off, but no, insurance would rather wait until I’m broken to do anything. God forbid, we spend a little money now, to prevent a whole host of problems down the road. No, no, that would make too much sense!

I just can’t see me ever reaching my goals and I feel like there’s no point in trying. Maybe I’m not meant to be a mother, and I just need to accept I’ve failed my mom in making her a grandmother before she’s gone. I’m tired, and why should I fight the inevitable?

I’m sorry this is such a downer, but I’ve got to get this out. I’m really hitting bottom here, and I am truly at a loss as to where to go. Any ideas???

I joined 24 Hr Fitness on Wed, and yesterday I went to work out, but only for about 10 min. as I couldn’t get out of bed when I wanted. So I woke up early and was all psyched to go today, but I’m sick! Not majorly sick, but I’m battling it. DH was home yesterday with a fever, and now I’ve woken up with a very scratchy throat and very croaky. Sigh… I could push it, but I don’t want to get *really* sick, and DH told me not to. Besides it’s Fri, and I was really wanting to work out in my vegetable garden this weekend, as it is supposed to be beautiful.

Right now the gardening thing is really important, because here in TX we have a small window to plant in. Since the summer gets so incredibly HOT, not much will grow, much less produce veggies at the height of the heat. So we actually have 2 mini growing seasons, early spring, and then the fall. Don’t mean to get off topic, but that’s why I really have to take advantage of any nice weather when I can.

So all told, I’m benched for the day. Pray that I get better, and don’t go under!

My name’s Jess and I’m just getting started with BuddySlim. I am 28 (or will be in a few weeks), married to the most wonderful man in the world, and in general am really happy with my life! But the time has come - I have to change things. I’ve reached an all time high of 301 lbs., and it’s affecting so many aspects of my life. I cannot do all the things I love due to my weight and lack of stamina, not to mention what it is doing to my health.

Last summer I got pregnant with my first child and although, we were overjoyed, it became physically difficult very quickly. When we lost our baby at 4.5 months (due to non-weight related issues), I had already developed high blood pressure and gestational diabetes. This coupled with a VERY STRONG family history of diabetes was scary. Now we are trying to conceive again, and I’ve got get in a better place health wise as soon as possible.

I’m anxious to meet others on this journey and be a source of inspiration and encouragement, as I know there will be times that I need it. Good luck to you all!